Wind of Change

A Letter to My Oldest Son

Dear T1,

You came to us after loss and when you were held in my womb, your abba and I held our breath each time we would listen for your heartbeat. And when you were born you were so fragile and oftentimes sick from severe eczema and reflux. The only way you’d sleep was when we’d hold you. So that we did, your grandmother and I: we held you for hours at a time until you would wake.

And now, I see you on the brink of turning 13. Our many conversations have lessened. All the answers to your “whys?” and “hows?” are at your fingertips thanks to Google. You’ve given me a little taste into what’s to come as you would choose your friends over time with your mommy in a heartbeat. You grew from 4’11” to 5’4” in a year. Every once in a while you try to sit on my lap like you used to and it just doesn’t fit and I howl in pain. You give me looks of “stop it, you’re embarrassing me (or yourself)” and in the same breath sometimes you say, “mommy?” just like you used to as a toddler in your sing-song way. In you is the little boy I loved and grew to love more with each changing season and in you is also this present you that I’m learning to love as well. In you is also the future you that I will love too.

When you don’t know how to express your emotions or the why of why you’re sad; when you want to show me a funny video or share something that you’ve learned; when you silently look at me as I scold you for fighting with your brother, but I know you’re taking in every word; when you ask me to play Factorio with you, my sweet pea . . . I’m here. Thank you for including me still. I’m here with every season, with every change that comes, until I am not. Even still my prayers for you will rise and the God whom we’ve taught you to love, will answer even still, because He is faithful that way.

And so what I want to say to you is this: As much as I fall short as your mom, God has taught me how to love unconditionally by loving me unconditionally, and in turn I love you unconditionally. So in all your growing, in all your changing, in all your struggling hard work and growth toward independence from your abba and mommy, know this: but never seek independence from
God. He is the only stability, the only foundation a life should be built on and walked through. Remain in Him always and if ever you find yourself unsure of your faith and going astray, know that He is forever unlike you are. He will call you back, as He did with me, and then you should come running.

In you I have learned better, the heart of our Father, as my love for you is so much, but it pales in comparison to God’s love for us. For He sacrificed His Son, for us. When we lost your older sibling, we hurt so much it was so hard to bear. There was a time, I was angry that God didn’t save even though He had the power to. But when I looked to the cross where His Son died, I understood that Jesus came to bear our sin and our sorrows. While I don’t know the why behind that painful loss, I was able to stand in my faith knowing that if He gave His Son, He does not intend to harm us, but prosper us. So change, grow, fall, and make mistakes. Do what you can in the freedom that He gives us in His gift of grace, but remain in Him. He is the Rock in our ever-changing seasons.

Seek forever and build for forever, because the days are always inching towards eternity. In your youth, time may seem to stand still, but having you before me as big as you’ve grown, I know time flies. When you look back one day, the slow sands through the hourglass will be a flash of lightning. May your time be spent wisely. May God give you eyes for the things He sees and the heart to love Him and others well. May our labor of love for you bear much fruit in you to live your days worthy of the Gospel in a living faith.

Forever and always,

Mommy? (in your sing-song toddler voice and your now voice and your future voice)